I walked back into my house, the mini chalkboard eyeballed me like a lioness to its prey. 'Suspend health insurance. Pay final bills. Give parents my will. International driver's licence. British & Aus passports.' I hated how it looked at me wanting so much. I wasn't ready to wipe away my final list of 18months of lists. I turned to my cupboard to put away my clothes 'Your body can stand almost anything it's your mind that you have to convince,' 'Knock me down twice and I'll get up 10,' 'Tell me I can't do something and I'll do it.'
Mount Everest was in my bedroom and I had to conquer my own mind yet again. I looked back at my cupboard door 'sometimes you just have to shift your focus from how did I get here; to how do I leave here.' I don't know why I thought this statement would be easier than verbalising to myself 'the Mt Everest climb is postponed.' I had no answers, I sat on my bed, legs nonchalantly dangling, daydreaming about a mystical creature arriving to sit beside me and enlighten me with all the right responses I wanted, craved. Unfortunately though it's not the Lion, Witch and the Wardrobe and a great noble creature isn't going to give me the answers when I demand it. I contemplated for a few moments encapsulating the life of an angry bird and tearing all my quotes, goals, nutrition and exercise logs off my walls screaming and crying outrageously. Thankfully for my housemate and neighbours I didn't awaken their spirits with my heightened mood but rather laid silently in my bed, took long breaths and let the tears roll down my cheeks. Ahhhh.
I had to let it go, all of it. The early morning starts, vegetarianism (not too upset about that admittedly), long hikes, 3hour gym sessions- my life consumed by training. What would life look like? What would I hang on my walls now? When is the right time to do Everest again? How will my friends and family feel if they knew I had it on the agenda again? I couldn't bear more doubt from others than I had already felt for almost 2years.
I turned on the aircon, set it to freezing cold and tried to mock the freezing temperatures I was missing. For a moment I began to think that burying yourself in ice and snow at -20 degrees when anyone asked me about a myriad of Everest questions was a grand option, then I realised one fatal flaw- I live in Queensland and I can't access those kind of resources even if I willed it. Sadly that meant dealing with the situation at hand and going back to work and the rest of my life as it was.
I knew people would ask the dreaded 'Are you OK?' question; that I would want to avoid people for a bit, that I'd get sad about the inability to be submersed in ice and snow for avoidance purposes but most of all that I would gradually be able to talk about things. I sat up on my bed looked around at my motivational images, nutritional and fitness logs, a smile formed on my face- an involuntary reaction to my emotional connection to the dedication of my almost 2years of effort.
Life is interesting it teaches you a whole host of things & I am a firm believer that you learn things just as you are meant to. But life in all the forms it takes, even those really terrible days (lets be real here Mt Everest for me was disappointing and I still tear up but if it was a really terrible day I wouldn't have it on my blog- those are just for me and my special ones to know about) has some beauty in it. We have numbered days, we never know when we will be gone and yet every single one of us, myself included, have things we are bitter about. We might be bitter because we are disappointed things didn't work out as they did or because we got hurt, it is very human of us however the sad thing is that bitterness steals us of our beauty...and life, well it really is beautiful. Spot its beauty, the peace you're granted when you don't know you had the capacity to feel it, the relationships you have, the love you have for yourself, how blessed you are to live where you are and look for the lovely. When something gets you down and you find your shoulders near your ears for your own sakes unpack whatever it is that is going on with you and be ok with it to take time- but don't make excuses for not dealing with it. After all we all have baggage by choice, you can be a litesaver or checked baggage traveller, its up to you!